Trust Yourself.
What I learned is that being willing to trust yourself is in itself an initiation that opens your ears to hear the voice that has been calling you all along. That voice is your truest self, locked and silenced within a dark cave within your heart.
You must willingly enter that cave, the portal to true transformation, to rescue your truth.
This is what it means to save yourself.
Surrender holds the key.
Looking back, when I walked away from Catholicism, I was naive and vulnerable in so many ways. Spiritual exploration out in the world led to endless dead ends, confusion, tough lessons, and a lot of pain and disappointment.
Finally, I reached a point where I was ready to give up the wheel.
I let go of what I thought I knew, of who I thought I was, and of figuring out a path and plan for my life.
I closed my eyes and threw myself into the abyss of my own unknowing and I let it consume me.
It is this kind of surrender that unlocks the heart.
There is nothing to fear.
I woke up in a feather bed from my fall into my own nothingness, now knowing I was placed there lovingly from the merciful arms of the Great Mother, where I rested soundly and peacefully for a good while.
When it was time, she gently re-introduced me to her Son, who reunited me to the truth of his beloved Magdalene, who showed me the piece of story I believe we have been missing all along.
This beloved trinity completely transformed my life, healed my heart, and reconnected me to the power that lives within all of us. The awe-inspiring and deeply healing experiences I had while learning and walking The Way renewed my understanding of faith and what it means to experience being truly alive, here and now.
The second coming of Christ is not some future event we are preparing for. It is always present, in the now, waiting to be awakened from within us.
Walking The Way of the Magdalene led me to inner transformation of leading a life of egoic living death to the conscious practice of light and shadow healing and integration which gifted me with the understanding of true belonging.
To paraphrase the wise words of Brene Brown and Maya Angelou: when you belong to yourself, you belong everywhere and nowhere, and that is your superpower.
We are who we've been waiting for.
Those who have ears, let them hear.
Mary 7: 10,28. Mary 8: 9-10.
My story.
Including excerpts from Your Time is Now, Chapter 2: The Journey to the Key
I have had mystical experiences for as long as I can remember.
From feeling intense love and sadness when I would pause and gaze at the crucifix that hung at the top of my Grammy's steps, to feeling surrounded and safe during my father's rages, Spirit was always engaging me, always seeking my attention and offering me moments of repose in a childhood filled with chaos and fear. One experience in particular has stayed with me; even today it brings me comfort and peace as I type this.
It happened in Mahanoy City outside of our little house on Pine Street. It was a bright, sunny day in early April, but there was a chill in the air from the lingering winter season. I was ten years old and outside in the alley by my house, seeing who was around to play as my mom suggested I should. I was wearing my pink spring jacket and, of course, a hat, gloves, and a scarf because, well, April in Northeastern Pennsylvania isn’t exactly warm. In fact, I have many fond memories of wearing a beautiful Easter dress covered by a big bulky winter coat, matching hat, and gloves standing outside of church freezing my behind off while my mom and grandmother chatted up neighbors and friends about Easter egg hunts in snow boots.
This afternoon, I was tinkering around in the street, and I remember that I suddenly became aware of the space around me: the brightness of the sun and my shadow on the ground, leaves circling in the wind by my feet. Seemingly all at once, the sun became very bright and I was overcome with an overwhelming sense of indescribable joy, happiness, and immense love.
I was enveloped in this presence and we had a lovely talk from within. There is no way to express the experience except to say it was easy and joyful, like an reunion with an old, dear friend who was so fully of joy to be with me. I was not given the gift of being able to remember everything we talked about, but I was left with this: everything was going to be OK.
The presence departed and I was back on the street walking along. I skipped off like it was just any other day, but it was not any other day.
The truth is that moment changed my life forever, and I had no idea how much it would carry me through the darkest days of what was to come.
The Meeting
We were vacationing at the beach, and it was during a time when I was really feeling this unsettled place in my heart. I couldn’t ignore it; it was full throttle. I was angry, frustrated, and I kept praying to be shown what was really going on. I asked to understand how I could possibly entertain these seemingly far away big dreams that were tantalizing and tormenting me. I asked for direction because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of feeling tired. I was tired of feeling confused and frustrated. I was tired of going back and forth with this voice and spending the energy to push it down and ignore it. I had enough.
On the second morning of our vacation, everyone was still asleep and I was awake, which was unusual for me considering I usually couldn’t wait to sleep in. At the same time, I was emotionally spent, and I wasn’t sleeping well anyway. I got up with a knot in my stomach, put my workout gear on, stepped outside onto the balcony, and took in the long stretch of beach in front of me. It was so beautiful and inviting.
The sun was shining off the water, birds were squawking and diving into the ocean retrieving their breakfast, early morning runners were already glistening with sweat from their first few miles, and the air was thick and salty and sweet. I decided to take a long walk instead of going to the gym. I needed to breathe. I needed to think. I needed to take in the energy of the water and the ocean and figure out this knot in my gut.
As I was walking and thinking and praying, the same thoughts circling round and round and round in my head, I started to get angry. I was sad. I felt hopeless. I could feel it all rise in my chest and the tears of frustration welling up in my eyes, but it was at that moment that I decided to do something crazy. I let go.
I took a deep breath and I let the all the anger and rage rise up in my chest and open my heart completely, and wept like a lost child.
I cried the kind of cry that you feel come from somewhere deep inside, the kind that hurts horribly but feels so good all at the same time. The ugly cry. The healing cry. I cried the kind of cry that had the power to wash off the layers of Band-aids piled up, giving air to the festering, infected, neglected wounds of my heart.
Suddenly, everything around me was supercharged.
I felt the heat of the sun on my skin. I heard the song in the breeze rushing through my hair and into my ears. I felt the pounding rhythm of ocean waves, the bass drum in sync with the melody of the breeze. I connected with each pebble of sand beneath my feet and the story within them. I felt the power and majesty of the God I know.
And then, the eyes of my heart opened and I saw her.
I saw my soul.
I saw how I was hiding her, how I was choosing to deny her greatness and gifts. I was lying to her and suffocating her. I felt her. I saw how much pain she was in. I saw that I was responsible for creating and enabling her suffering.
I saw everything I’d never dealt with that was deep inside of me. I saw how deep her wounds were. I saw how those unhealed wounds oozed the poison that infiltrated so many aspects of my life, breeding my confusion and frustration, enabling justification of the life I was living.
The poison was fear. Fear is the cancer that metastasized from my heart to head and ever so masterfully birthed lie after lie that I told myself about who I was. It was the poison that kept me safe. Secure.
And stuck.
Then I realized something else.
Even with all the bleeding wounds, my truth was simultaneously beautiful, and more than anything, it was incredibly powerful.
Because in the end, it is the truth sets you free.
Join the Magdalene Center today to find your truth and set yourself free.
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Tammy L. Babinchak is an author, spiritual director, and founder of the Magdalene Center for Healing and Holistic Wellness. Tammy was born and raised in the Catholic faith and was a devout practicing Catholic for 44 years.
A gradual awareness of feeling unsettled in faith, agitated and unfulfilled with her perceived successful life led to an unexpected spiritual awakening in 2017. A dark night of the soul ensued, leading to years of dogma and doctrine deconstruction, spiritual exploration, and seeking. Breadcrumbs were followed until Meggan Watterson's work, Mary Magdalene Revealed, was placed in her hand. Tammy devoured the writing which triggered a remembering that put her forth on a new path back to the works and teachings of Christ.
A mystical experience with Mother Mary a year later led her to reclaim praying the rosary which truly changed the trajectory of her life. She spent the last 7 years praying the rosary, practicing deep listening, and writing what she heard and saw with the eye of her heart as she learned to walk the Way.
These experiences and channeled writings were difficult for Tammy to accept and share as she was often overwhelmed with egoic fear from many deep rooted shadow voices that needed to be acknowledged, healed, and integrated before she would be ready to claim the grace and spiritual authority to set out into the world to proclaim the kingdom within.
Tammy was deeply influenced and comforted by the life and works of St. Teresa of Avila, St. Hildegard of Bingen, Thomas Merton, and modern day mystics like Richard Rohr as she did the inner work, patiently waiting to understand what it meant for her life.
Experiencing the inner and outer transformative healing of the practice herself, Tammy has finally set out to share her story and teach others the how to heal themselves by practicing The Way.
Tammy is also a specialty trained Infectious Diseases Doctor of Pharmacy, who spent the last 18 years her life supporting patients and working with communities of researchers developing medicines for the treatment of Hepatitis C, HIV, and PBC.
Tammy wrote Your Time is Now to answer the call in her heart: to bring others to know the power of the voice that spoke to her as a child and who continues to speak through her today.
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