I was once a woman so deeply rooted in Catholicism that I was sure I had it all figured out. I felt blessed to have a special relationship with Jesus and I felt privileged in this knowing.

That was until Jesus pulled the rug right out from under me.

Out of love for me, he smirked at my righteousness and proceeded to send me endless triggers and people who would make me question all my knowing until I became so angry and full of rage that I had it out with him. I told him what I really thought about his religion and this seemingly nonsensical world of endless pain and suffering. I demanded to understand what the hell was going on, what this whole human experience was about, and how it could be that I achieved all my goals yet felt so sad, guilty, and depressed. He high-fived my very feisty call-out, smiled gently, and gave me what I asked for turning my entire world upside down in one afternoon. If you aren’t familiar, that story has been written in my book and will continue to be shared from lips and my keyboard until I’m dead, so if you don’t know it, stick around and you will.

Experiencing a spiritual awakening upends your entire existence and when it happens it is literally impossible to be taken lightly. It can be slow, it can happen overnight, or can be anything in between, but when it happens, it is life altering and a story you will tell and retell until you are dead too. If you know, you know.

Moving out from beneath the rigid structure and undoing the deep programming of the dogma and doctrine of Catholicism was disorienting and emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. What I thought I knew dissolved before my eyes and I was left with only my heart beating, the birds chirping, the crows calling, the rain falling, the wind howling, the hawks circling, and the earth beneath my feet. Seven years later, now I understand that what I was “left with”, is in fact, everything, but in the very beginning, it did not feel that way. I felt betrayed, wounded, depressed, lonely and newly terrified of this vast unknowing. I didn’t know what to believe and questioned everything about my entire life up to that point. So, I did what my childhood trauma taught me to do. I went into survival mode and kept moving forward despite the uncertainty, fear, and emptiness that was now a constant within me. I decided to freely explore whatever pulled me to it.

The experiences I had and the people I met along the way felt exciting and exhilarating, but most days it was also overwhelming, confusing, and very lonely, which also made me desperate and vulnerable. I was desperate to find my path and desperate to belong somewhere. I was vulnerable and open to every idea, every philosophy, every way of magic and spiritual practice and I didn’t hesitate to jump in headfirst, especially if it signaled a sense of belonging. I learned quickly that this kind of raw naivety and vulnerability is like being fresh, juicy bait in the spiritual world. Believe me, I found plenty of people who were willing to listen to me ramble on about my story, validate my awakening, assuring me it meant I belonged to some special group of people with unique gifts, and that in order to share these gifts, I could join this group or learn to start a podcast, or take this course to grow into these new gifts and change the world. They would then take my money, welcome me into a Facebook group, give me a password to an online program, and wish me luck. I experienced heartbreak after heartbreak, being let down time and time again, finding myself alone and disappointed with every leader, every teacher, including almost every “spiritual” woman in touch with the “feminine”, and every self-proclaimed knower of what I needed. I did this until I exhausted myself and I gave up. I was lost and confused. I went back to the church at least three times but it was pointless. Once you can see and hear, it is impossible to sit in the pew and pretend you are blind and deaf.

It wasn’t until Mother Mary showed up in my closet that rainy afternoon in June that my life truly began. It was only through her and her son’s endless mercy and grace that I was able to see how every experience, every person I met, every disappointment along the way was only redirecting me to where I did belong. She helped me to get quiet enough to experience a new level of awakening that enabled me to not only understand the voice in my head is not who I am, but to discern the true voice of my soul. In reclaiming the rosary, I found the courage to begin putting the pieces together from my own knowing. Instead of trading one savior in the church for another out in the world, I began to focus all my energy on cultivating what was already inside of me begging to be brought forward. Discerning my true voice enabled me to recognize the many shadow voices that I entertained daily. I practiced healing and integrating them, and in doing so, I experienced healing from the inside out. This enabled me to develop a loving and trusted relationship my soul voice that led me home to my truth.

The name Magdalene Center for Healing and Holistic Wellness came to way before I understood the role the Magdalene would play in my spiritual life. She showed up in my journey from the very beginning, but in parallel to my awakening, I first had to navigate through all the various Magdalene empires to discern what was real and what was not. I did not want to contribute a narrative that I came to understand was mostly conjecture, so I humbled myself and asked to see her clearly. Over 7 years, I prayed to her unceasingly, inviting her into my heart, asking her to help me understand the role she would play in my spiritual life and in my work in the world. It has been quite a ride, but I believe I have been prepared, and I am ready to lead with the eyes and ears of my heart.

This is my story.

But I’m writing this today because I want to hear your story.

Do you currently identify as Catholic/Christian yet are finding your faith tepid at best?

Do you recognize that you are slowly leaving (or left) the church emotionally or spiritually? Do you still go to church but find you are only going through the motions and are not comfortable with what you hear and see?

If you are really listening, deep inside you know something isn’t right but feel afraid or are not sure what to do?

Are you a previous Catholic or Christian who left the church due to a spiritual awakening?

Are you a previous Catholic or Christian who left the church, but still worship Jesus and Mary, but do so on your own and in your own way?

If you identify with any of the above or some version of these questions, I’d love to connect with you. I am seeking to gather input from a cohort of men and women who resonate with these questions and are comfortable sharing their story.

All discussions will be private and confidential.

Please reach out to connect: [email protected]